Sometimes I dream. I dream of him, of her. Of him and her together. I dream of them touching and kissing the way we do together. When I wake up I wonder if he thinks about me when he’s kissing her, or if he thinks about her when he’s kissing me.
I don’t say these things when I see him. Time is to precious to waste on petty fears. I try and convince myself that it never happens, that it was an old habit he’s stopped. You need someone to love sometimes, and I wasn’t around for so long. It’s logical for them to have had relationships right?
However, every once in a while his thoughts slip and I catch a glimpse of me except I have black hair, sharp teeth and red eyes. I feel empty when this happens, like my identity has been mushed with someone like me.
If you think about something enough, it really bores a hole in your heart. The hole in my heart is growing now, allowing disturbing and wrong thoughts to flow right in. I feel good turning to evil. I wonder if this happened to her. I wonder if he likes her because she’s evil. I wonder if he hopes I turn out like her.
We argue now when he’s around. We meet and talk, then we disagree on something small like the way the wind is blowing or how I’ll die. The arguments run deep though, and what I really mean when I’m yelling at him about what he had just said that offended me is that I really hate it when he lets those thoughts slip. That I really want to be the only person that belongs to him.
As my past sister, I wonder if she thinks the same things as me. I wonder if when Tyler comes home she wonders why he’s thinking about me when they kiss or why he pictures her with brown hair, straight teeth and teal eyes. I wonder if the hole in heart is larger or smaller than mine. I wonder if she dreams of him. Of me.
Sometimes I wonder why nothing is ever right in my life.
